Mates, I’ve had alerts on for Jeff Bezos’ tweets for some time now, and after some consideration, I’m afraid I’ve to conclude that this man can’t submit.

I’m, actually, discovering it troublesome to consider how unhealthy he’s at posting. It’s astonishing. If Elon Musk’s tweets are pure lizard-brain id, Bezos’ tweets are all superego — my man in all probability workshops them, which is why they’re DOA, emotionally. Even one thing like this, which is (I feel) imagined to be free, completely fails by trendy Twitter requirements:

To start with, that is a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. Second of all, it’s PR communicate and will even have been lawyered. It’s insincere (“far from smooth”?). And, worst of all, it’s not humorous.

You would possibly surprise, why is Bezos doing this? And there’s like, a really apparent reply, which is that Elon Musk is on the middle of loads of conversations, and Jeff Bezos isn’t, and the way in which that Musk has positioned himself on the middle of these conversations is by tweeting. Bezos has positively noticed this. However he hasn’t actually understood how Musk does it.

Musk is a Poster for certain. Annoying, obnoxious, late to memes — however positively a Poster. He makes use of Twitter as supposed: as a direct line to his id. Has he deliberate to comply with up on any of the stuff he tweets? Steadily, no. And that’s what makes him so entertaining. Right here’s him responding to the CEO of Twitter, an organization he’s no less than theoretically attempting to accumulate:

Musk engages in name-calling, generally so intensely that he winds up with defamation lawsuits on his arms. He’s largely stopped posting about his Ambien use, however I haven’t forgotten the tweets.

Shit, one time Musk introduced he was taking Tesla non-public on Twitter, usually to the shock of Tesla, Tesla’s buyers, and the SEC.

And right here, by comparability, is Bezos:

I can’t consider I’m about to clarify Twitter, however for these of you who should not on the social media platform fondly known as “the hellsite” by its most dedicated customers: the dumbest customers and the neatest customers submit the very same means. Sentence fragments, inconsistent punctuation, half-baked concepts, and a powerful propensity for trolling are all among the many energy customers’ most constant traits.

Trolling is essential, truly. See, one among Twitter’s main engagement mechanisms is the quote-tweet dunk, the place you submit another person’s tweet to make enjoyable of it. Which means Twitter closely incentivizes unhealthy conduct. Certain, a superb personal will drive engagement, however so will an clearly silly take that gives different customers with a gap to dunk, thus spreading your authentic tweet additional. There isn’t any incentive to be affordable. I’m going to say it once more, as a result of this can be a elementary regulation of Twitter: there is no such thing as a incentive to be affordable.

This isn’t an age factor, both. One of many truest Posters I’ve ever encountered on Twitter is Joyce Carol Oates, age 83, and I’m not going to embed her feet pic post — it’s gross — however it’s a masterpiece of the shape and a part of the explanation we’re all on Twitter within the first place. This submit about climbing in sandals drove discourse for per week! And that is to say nothing of the time she tweeted about Jurassic Park or questioned if we did, certainly, have to hand it to ISIS. Absolute legend, this woman.

The explanation Bezos’ tweets appear so mealy-mouthed, even weird, is that he’s attempting desperately to be taken critically on a platform that doesn’t reward being taken critically. Twitter is for trolling your solution to a presidency or to being the CEO of Twitter. It’s for pretending you suppose dinosaurs are an endangered species, watching some llamas get free, or in any other case coping with essentially the most instinctive and primal discourse on the web.

Now that we’ve established the best way to Put up, let’s look at some Bezos tweets. Take this:

This can be a Fb-ass Tweet. What’s even taking place right here? This isn’t enjoyable sufficient to be a dunk. It’s actually not trolling. What might presumably be the purpose? Twitter has existed for the reason that 12 months of our lord 2006, and over the course of the final 15 years of its existence, each person has found the exhausting means that it’s truly unattainable to have a substantive dialog on the platform.

That is an try at thinkfluencing, being an concepts man. Besides nobody respects concepts guys on Twitter. Even the VCs have found out shitposting higher than this. Keep in mind how pleased with their little shape rotator meme all of them had been?

The try at thinkfluencing does truly worsen. Like, verify this out:

I’m not certain the way you handle to construct one of many firms that’s the spine of the web with out creating some sort of internet-related situational consciousness. And earlier than Bezos began tweeting, I assumed he did perceive the web. Like, take this absolute banger of a weblog submit: “No thank you, Mr. Pecker.” It’s dry and witty; it understands what blogs are for, plus it’s stuffed with dick jokes. It’s the strongest potential response to somebody making an attempt to blackmail you with nudes.

And now, I’m satisfied it was ghost-written by a PR professional. (E mail me if it’s you!) As a result of there’s no means that the one that understood the web properly sufficient to supply that is additionally making an attempt to submit severe coverage takes on Twitter.

Bezos’ obsession with the Biden administration is like, a pleasant means of exhibiting the issue. See, it was that responding to a Trump tweet was a good way to juice engagement, inserting your self right into a dialog. The Biden administration’s fundamental technique is to impersonate a bunch of graduates of the Milford Faculty. Making an attempt to make use of the Biden administration as a flywheel to get engagement ends in stuff like this:

“Look, a squirrel!” My God. Adam Aron didn’t go pantsless throughout a YouTube interview for “a squirrel!” to be the expression of “it’s a distraction.” Virality, memes, and nonsense at the moment are essential for enterprise functions. Why else did AMC survive the pandemic? If you’re a enterprise chief, entertaining individuals is severe.

However Bezos both doesn’t know this or doesn’t care. Right here’s him getting spicy:

I don’t know, possibly this can be a hit on the McKinsey nook of Twitter, however this isn’t going to get you Musk-level consideration. Bezos is, for some cause, writing for consultants, professionals, and managers. Restricted viewers. Which might be why Bezos’ tweets aren’t getting the sort of traction that Musk’s do — sort of like how Blue Origin isn’t as profitable as SpaceX.

Jeff, my man, possibly attempt tweeting from the toilet next time.

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